Yesterday I ran the Cowtown 10K!!!!!!
I ran the whole thing. It was life changing! Let me tell you why.......
I'm not writing this post to brag on myself, not at all, because one thing I know for sure is that I did not run that race alone yesterday. My Sister, Micah, was with me......yes.......and she certainly helped me a lot, but there was someone else that I depended on yesterday. Fully, for probably the first time in my life.
For years I have lived behind a mask of fear. I'm an extreme perfectionist and it shows itself in my life in the way of....."If I'm not fairly certain that I will be able to do something perfectly, then I'll just ignore it or not do it at all!" Behind this is a deep seated fear of not being good enough. I've lived with it my whole life and to be honest it has held me back in so many ways and even caused me to make really bad decisions from time to time that have cost me in big ways. Because of this fear I've been ashamed of myself, mad at myself, disappointed in myself, let down by myself, and felt really crummy about who I was from the inside out.
This year, when the New Year came around I put a lot of thought into who I wanted to be this year. My Husband has been an amazing supporter of mine in that he has encouraged me to stop working this year to kind of take a breather, focus on our family, and just do what I wanted to do. I'm about 9 months into this journey and I'm just now starting to give myself a break and allowing myself to be happy in this moment and enjoy it. It could go away anytime for any number of reasons. Life has a way of working out like that, and I am not unaware of that possiblity. So, after cleaning out all our closets multiple times, redoing bedrooms, starting a Bible Study for Women here in my town, volunteering countless hours at the kids school, starting a business venture that allows me to earn some supplemental income / but not work so much (magical I know), I was finally ready to get down to business and face my fear........
I signed myself up for the Cowtown 10K this year because I ran the 5K last year and it was really hard for me. However, I didn't train like I should have last year because again, I was afraid of not being perfect at it and so I just avoided the training so that I didn't have to deal with the fear. I had signed up with some friends of mine, so when the day came, I was accountable. I did show up and I did run it and it was good. I liked that day. I wanted to do it again.
After that day, I didn't run again for several months. I don't know why, but I just didn't. I spent a lot of time at the end of the year last year thinking of a friend of mine that I dearly love and her journey with giving all of her "I can't" strongholds to God. It had changed her so much in the past year. She had accomplished things that she had been dreaming of for years, just by doing that one thing. I wanted to do that too.
A few months ago, I made a committment to myself that I would run the 10K and that I would give my "I can't" to God. I was sick of being afraid, sick of letting fear drive my every move, sick of doubting myself. I signed up, paid my money, and started training.
I trained better than I ever have before, but to be perfectly honest, it was still pretty shotty in that I would take several day breaks because my back hurt, or Dustin was out of town, or the kids were sick or whatever reason I could think of. I did train better than I ever had before and I had worked myself up to running 5.5 miles in one session, however not without taking a minute here and a minute there to walk and catch my breath.
So, when the day came to run the Cowtown 10K, I was terrified. What had I gotten myself into? I couldn't sleep the night before, I tried to sleep through my alarm the next morning, I got sick to my stomach with anxiety before the race. Every bone in my body was convinced that I could't do it and that I was about to prove that to myself and prove it boldly. That would be a hard reality to face, and I didn't want to have to face it. But I felt deep inside that it was true.
I knew that I wanted to give this race to God and so I went anyway. I wanted to see exactly what he could do with me if I just truly handed it all over to him. I'm not sure I have ever done that before. By that I mean, TRULY said "God, I can't do this on my own and I don't even believe that I can do it with you......please God prove me wrong, God, show me I CAN! "
I started the race after saying that prayer......I was tired about half a mile into it. My tummy was upset from nerves. This wasn't good. I wanted to go home. My Sister made the bold proclamation that we would be running the whole thing and I kind of just laughed it off. I knew she could do that, but no way was I gonna be able to do it with her. I would be lucky to cross the finish line at all let alone having run the whole race. That wasn't even on my radar. I kept running........mile 1........mile 2.........mile 3........OUCH.........mile 4.......Ok, I hit a wall at mile 4. I was sick to my stomach, tired, and ready to stop. I prayed again....."God please show me I can!" I found more strength......mile 5.......mile 6. Now at mile 6 my body pretty much shut down on me. I am a fainter and I started to pass out. I could feel myself going down. I couldn't breath and I had gotten off on my breathing rhythm and it didn't matter at that point how close I was to the finish line and the people around me cheering, there was no adrenaline left, I was exhausted and I couldn't catch my breath. I walked 5 steps.......started running again.......walked 3 steps.......started running again. I could see the finish line but I didn't even have it in me to speed myself up to get there faster. I was just plain done.
Micah ran ahead to the finish, and at that point, I literally cried out in my head......"God I cannot do this alone, I need you to show me I can.....You are Big Enough, please take over my body and let me keep running until I get across that finish line. I cannot do it alone! " He did!
I crossed the finish line and immediately burst into tears. Not because I had finished the race like it may have seemed to those around me, but because I felt the presence of God finally taking away all of that fear that I have carried with me for years and years. He showed me that when I can't, HE WILL! I felt his spirit take over my body and show me what he could do with it. It was absolutely amazing and life changing! I have never felt like that in my whole life. I was not enough yesterday, but GOD WAS BIG ENOUGH for both of us.
The only thing I could compare that feeling to was the feeling I had the day I gave birth to my twins, but this was way harder. : )
Thank you God for your amazing grace and for not only believing in me when I don't believe in myself, but for taking me on a journey that broke me down enought to require me to give myself and all of my strongholds over to you to accomplish the goal. You showed me I CAN and I am grateful. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I am forever changed.
Amen
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I Love Technology!
Yet again, we have entered a new stage at Casa de Dwinell. It's always an adventure around here and things are ever changing. My head is usually spinning trying to keep up, but what is becoming more and more obvious to me is how hard I need to be working to keep up.
So, the Christmas lists at this house are a little different this year than any other year. We have exited the stage of wanting Thomas the Train and Disney Movies and entered the stage of wanting all things technology.
Brooks and Bosten have been working on me for an ITouch for several months now and that is the #1 thing on their list for Birthday/Christmas this year. Parker, who is 5 mind you, wants an IPod Nano and a Kindle Fire. Angry Birds is their drug of choice and doing their math practice homework and sight word flashcards on these little electronic flashcards seems to somehow be more fun than studying for real.
We did get them the ITouch for their Birthday's on December 10th and they understood that they were are big part of their Christmas this year as well. So, as I speak, they have all their little friends over and they are playing wrestle mania in the living room and filming it to put it on YouTube. Kind of like their very own living room version of Ultimate Fighting. UGH! Frightening. Clearly I won't allow for this to actually happen, but its just crazy to me that that is their agenda. I wonder what they would say if I told them that their Mom was alive when there was NO Internet and I didn't have a cell phone till I was a Junior in college. Even then, I only got it because my college was 5 hours away from home and my Parents were concerned about me having car problems to and from Texas Tech.
I started to read some excerpts from the book "Weird" last night after a dear friend of mine told me that she had been reading it and I just loved it. It talks about how we all just spend the majority of our time trying to fit in and be normal. What if we spent that much energy trying to be "weird" with God as our focus. Making our decisions based on something bigger than what everyone else is doing. I would love to have a weird family. I definitely already try to be weird on a daily basis and do what is right for us despite what others say is what we should be doing, but its getting harder because we are getting bombarded from every angle. As the boys get older, their access is greater whether I know it or not. One of my biggest goals this New Year will be to reign it in on my babies. It happens overnight, but they are growing up way too fast. I do my best to keep them involved in age appropriate activities, but they know way more than I would like them to. Its time to get serious about filling their brain with value focused information.
I know that I'll be set up to fail, so I have to get very serious about this goal. Technology can be great if its used for the right reason. My Husband did get Parker and I the Kindle Fire for Christmas and I was setting it up last night so that it will already be ready for playtime when its opened this Christmas. I was downloading apps off of Amazon and was excited to be able to download for free a study bible that helps me to read the bible with my kids at a moments notice and with no clear direction. It shows me exactly how to get where I want to go. The Fire also has a ton of kids books that can be downloaded from Amazon or just borrowed from your local library. This will be awesome for sitting in bed snuggling with my kids and starting great conversations about life lessons.
So, my point is, Technology isn't all bad. Its a wonderful tool if you are intentional about how you choose to use it with your kids. This will be a whole new adventure in the upcoming months.......so say a little prayer for Dustin and I that we can stay on top of it and be intentional in our time and opportunities to influence our kiddos.
We were laughing last night because running after these three kids requires us to have so much energy and to pretty much be tireless. The great thing about having the kids so close together is that when Dust and I are 45, they will all be shipped off to college within the same year. I know I'll be sad, but then about 5 minutes later I plan on doing a happy dance and taking a long much deserved vacation involving nothing but snuggling with the Hubs and laying like broccoli on the beach. We laughed because at this point our goal is to stay focused for the next 12 years so that when the time comes for them to go, they can go. We don't need any baby Daddy's around here, or MIP's, or being held back in school.........basically our goal is to just keep anything that can cause them to have to stay home from happening. We can do anything for 12 years, but at the end of those 12 years, I pray with every ounce of my body that I can parent in a way between now and then that I can drop kick their little booties out of my house with confidence that day 12 years from now. Confidence that they have all the tools, technological or not that they need to conquer the world.
So, the Christmas lists at this house are a little different this year than any other year. We have exited the stage of wanting Thomas the Train and Disney Movies and entered the stage of wanting all things technology.
Brooks and Bosten have been working on me for an ITouch for several months now and that is the #1 thing on their list for Birthday/Christmas this year. Parker, who is 5 mind you, wants an IPod Nano and a Kindle Fire. Angry Birds is their drug of choice and doing their math practice homework and sight word flashcards on these little electronic flashcards seems to somehow be more fun than studying for real.
We did get them the ITouch for their Birthday's on December 10th and they understood that they were are big part of their Christmas this year as well. So, as I speak, they have all their little friends over and they are playing wrestle mania in the living room and filming it to put it on YouTube. Kind of like their very own living room version of Ultimate Fighting. UGH! Frightening. Clearly I won't allow for this to actually happen, but its just crazy to me that that is their agenda. I wonder what they would say if I told them that their Mom was alive when there was NO Internet and I didn't have a cell phone till I was a Junior in college. Even then, I only got it because my college was 5 hours away from home and my Parents were concerned about me having car problems to and from Texas Tech.
I started to read some excerpts from the book "Weird" last night after a dear friend of mine told me that she had been reading it and I just loved it. It talks about how we all just spend the majority of our time trying to fit in and be normal. What if we spent that much energy trying to be "weird" with God as our focus. Making our decisions based on something bigger than what everyone else is doing. I would love to have a weird family. I definitely already try to be weird on a daily basis and do what is right for us despite what others say is what we should be doing, but its getting harder because we are getting bombarded from every angle. As the boys get older, their access is greater whether I know it or not. One of my biggest goals this New Year will be to reign it in on my babies. It happens overnight, but they are growing up way too fast. I do my best to keep them involved in age appropriate activities, but they know way more than I would like them to. Its time to get serious about filling their brain with value focused information.
I know that I'll be set up to fail, so I have to get very serious about this goal. Technology can be great if its used for the right reason. My Husband did get Parker and I the Kindle Fire for Christmas and I was setting it up last night so that it will already be ready for playtime when its opened this Christmas. I was downloading apps off of Amazon and was excited to be able to download for free a study bible that helps me to read the bible with my kids at a moments notice and with no clear direction. It shows me exactly how to get where I want to go. The Fire also has a ton of kids books that can be downloaded from Amazon or just borrowed from your local library. This will be awesome for sitting in bed snuggling with my kids and starting great conversations about life lessons.
So, my point is, Technology isn't all bad. Its a wonderful tool if you are intentional about how you choose to use it with your kids. This will be a whole new adventure in the upcoming months.......so say a little prayer for Dustin and I that we can stay on top of it and be intentional in our time and opportunities to influence our kiddos.
We were laughing last night because running after these three kids requires us to have so much energy and to pretty much be tireless. The great thing about having the kids so close together is that when Dust and I are 45, they will all be shipped off to college within the same year. I know I'll be sad, but then about 5 minutes later I plan on doing a happy dance and taking a long much deserved vacation involving nothing but snuggling with the Hubs and laying like broccoli on the beach. We laughed because at this point our goal is to stay focused for the next 12 years so that when the time comes for them to go, they can go. We don't need any baby Daddy's around here, or MIP's, or being held back in school.........basically our goal is to just keep anything that can cause them to have to stay home from happening. We can do anything for 12 years, but at the end of those 12 years, I pray with every ounce of my body that I can parent in a way between now and then that I can drop kick their little booties out of my house with confidence that day 12 years from now. Confidence that they have all the tools, technological or not that they need to conquer the world.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
-B- Content in Your Role!
"We grow up when we see our life and our role from God's perspective; when we thank God for the role He has assigned us and begin to see our cup as a gift instead of a cross; when each morning we ask..."God, how can I glorify You today in my given role?" -Linda Dillow
What roles do you play in your life? Are you content with the roles that God has given to you?
I'm a Christian, a Wife, a Mommy (yes, in that order), a Daughter, a Sister, a Friend. I'm not always content in these roles, but I strive to be. I do know that in order to be content in these roles, I have to take myself out of the equation for a minute. My human side wants to concentrate on what my payoff is for being all of these things. What's in it for me? However, my Christian side knows that Jesus came to earth with the primary purpose of serving others and to give his life as a ransom for many.
He asks you and I to enter our worlds with the same purpose. Jesus humbled himself and took the role of the servant. He used his assigned role to minister to those around him and to give the ultimate gift of his very life. Am I capable of such sacrifice? Am I capable of being content in all things when the reality is that the kids are talking back at me, the floor I just mopped got red Koolaid spilled on it not 2 seconds after it dried, we are out of milk AGAIN even though I buy 2 or 3 gallons each time I enter the vicinity of a grocery store, and I'm wearing the same shirt I slept in for the last two night because technically I didn't actually get anything on it and I haven't had 2 uninterrupted minutes in the past 24 hours to look in the mirror and decide how I want to present myself. Is this what I was striving so hard to get to do by staying home with my kids instead of working? Can anyone relate?
When I get in this place where I start to get discontent, or pissy as I would say, with my role and the tasks that make up my day, I try very hard to stop and shift my focus.
"God has entrusted us with these roles. In his sovereignty, He has said it is in THIS ROLE we can best glorify him!" -Linda Dillow
Man, that word "Entrusts" is huge. So, you mean God didn't do this to me? He didn't put these specific challenges on my plate to punish me. You mean instead, he chose me specifically for this journey because he was entrusting this specific journey to me. For me, its being the Mother of 3 kids within 17 months of each other. When this happened (and yes people, I know how "this" happens ; ) ) I was overwhelmed and scared and felt inadequate and kind of wasn't sure what God was trying to get from me. Was he pushing me to the brink of exhaustion and lunacy to break me down? I don't believe that.
It occurred to me one day that a simple shift in focus made all the difference in the world for me as to how I perceived that gift. I realized that God didn't "DO" anything to me, but rather he "ENTRUSTED" me with this specific journey because he knew I could handle it. He knew I had it in me to rise to the occasion and take what might have been overwhelming for some and to shine in those trials in a way that would change me forever. He was growing me up. Thank you God for this sweet gift, it is the very best gift I have ever received. Thank you for picking me for this journey and thank you for the opportunity to be challenged and to rise to the occasion each and every morning and each and every time that the Koolaid gets spilled on my clean floor. The "ME" I like the best is the "ME" with a servant heart just like Jesus had. Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity and putting me in this role to grow in that way specifically.
What roles do you play? Are you content? Maybe all it takes is a shift in focus and challenges turn into blessings.
Holy Father, you know the joys, the heartaches of my role. I confess that I have fought against what you have given. Grant me the courage to be a servant. Oh God, I long to be faithful to you. I accept my assigned role as a gift. Teach me to "cease striving and know that you are God! "
-B-
What roles do you play in your life? Are you content with the roles that God has given to you?
I'm a Christian, a Wife, a Mommy (yes, in that order), a Daughter, a Sister, a Friend. I'm not always content in these roles, but I strive to be. I do know that in order to be content in these roles, I have to take myself out of the equation for a minute. My human side wants to concentrate on what my payoff is for being all of these things. What's in it for me? However, my Christian side knows that Jesus came to earth with the primary purpose of serving others and to give his life as a ransom for many.
He asks you and I to enter our worlds with the same purpose. Jesus humbled himself and took the role of the servant. He used his assigned role to minister to those around him and to give the ultimate gift of his very life. Am I capable of such sacrifice? Am I capable of being content in all things when the reality is that the kids are talking back at me, the floor I just mopped got red Koolaid spilled on it not 2 seconds after it dried, we are out of milk AGAIN even though I buy 2 or 3 gallons each time I enter the vicinity of a grocery store, and I'm wearing the same shirt I slept in for the last two night because technically I didn't actually get anything on it and I haven't had 2 uninterrupted minutes in the past 24 hours to look in the mirror and decide how I want to present myself. Is this what I was striving so hard to get to do by staying home with my kids instead of working? Can anyone relate?
When I get in this place where I start to get discontent, or pissy as I would say, with my role and the tasks that make up my day, I try very hard to stop and shift my focus.
"God has entrusted us with these roles. In his sovereignty, He has said it is in THIS ROLE we can best glorify him!" -Linda Dillow
Man, that word "Entrusts" is huge. So, you mean God didn't do this to me? He didn't put these specific challenges on my plate to punish me. You mean instead, he chose me specifically for this journey because he was entrusting this specific journey to me. For me, its being the Mother of 3 kids within 17 months of each other. When this happened (and yes people, I know how "this" happens ; ) ) I was overwhelmed and scared and felt inadequate and kind of wasn't sure what God was trying to get from me. Was he pushing me to the brink of exhaustion and lunacy to break me down? I don't believe that.
It occurred to me one day that a simple shift in focus made all the difference in the world for me as to how I perceived that gift. I realized that God didn't "DO" anything to me, but rather he "ENTRUSTED" me with this specific journey because he knew I could handle it. He knew I had it in me to rise to the occasion and take what might have been overwhelming for some and to shine in those trials in a way that would change me forever. He was growing me up. Thank you God for this sweet gift, it is the very best gift I have ever received. Thank you for picking me for this journey and thank you for the opportunity to be challenged and to rise to the occasion each and every morning and each and every time that the Koolaid gets spilled on my clean floor. The "ME" I like the best is the "ME" with a servant heart just like Jesus had. Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity and putting me in this role to grow in that way specifically.
What roles do you play? Are you content? Maybe all it takes is a shift in focus and challenges turn into blessings.
Holy Father, you know the joys, the heartaches of my role. I confess that I have fought against what you have given. Grant me the courage to be a servant. Oh God, I long to be faithful to you. I accept my assigned role as a gift. Teach me to "cease striving and know that you are God! "
-B-
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
-B- is a Little Hard Headed!
Well, Summer is over, and while I truly enjoyed spending every waking minute with my 3 little bundles of joy, I will say that I am super thankful that school is back in session. Its day 3 of our little munchkins all being in Elementary School and I couldn't be more pleased with how they are transitioning. The boys are as hard headed as always, so pretending that they hate it, but P is just transitioning seamlessly. She seems delighted to be a big girl at the big school with her big Brothers and I couldn't be more proud of my little girl. They have all made my back to school week as a Mommy a breeze, which in a weird sort of way, made it less of an emotional breeze on me. I cried a little, but mostly just beam with pride.
My original plan when I started this venture of being a full time nest fluffer was to get the kids back to school and then start or finish a TON of projects that I am super anxious to blog about over the next 9 months. Unfortunately, I am a little hard headed and I booked my schedule solid with work committments. After a 3 week run on trying to do it all again, (I'm very stubborn and don't seem to ever learn) I cut back on my work stuff and am now looking forward to a year of a little bit of work and a lot of fun loving my kids and fluffing my nest.
One venture that I am thrilled about it going to work with a friend of mine from back in the high school days who is an amazing Interior Designer as her shopkeeper/aspiring assistant designer. She has graciously agreed to teach me everything she knows and pay me a small fee to have the luxury of doing so (not sure how I swung that deal : ) ) I am so incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to learn from (in my eyes) one of the best I've seen in interior design and all things antique, vintage, muted, and neutral. I cannot wait to work with her starting in October, and it is truly a dream come true. I'm committing my earnings from any work I do with her to going towards my very own design adventures at home. So, that will be a big treat to get to have some fun money to play with for nest fluffing.
The projects I have going on right now have been put on a temporary hold due to some serious doggie expenses that caught us by suprise this month. In addition to the going back to school budget blowout, our sweet Golden Retriever, Raleigh dog broke her shoulder/humerus and had to have a serious surgery with a hefty price tag. We have already paid a lot and will be paying even more for that for the next month or so and so I'm literally spent before I walk out the door. Her rehabilitation is also going to take mucho time and mucho effort, so my random ventures to Home Goods, and Goodwills all over the metroplex will have to be on hold for a bit. I have still found time to do some inspiration shopping and I've got a hefty list of wants for whenever my budget allows it again. With her injury though it has allowed for me to be more still and content with the loves of my life rather than things, and I think a little reminder of that from time to time does a body good.
In the meantime, here are some things I am dreaming about right now.........
Until then, this is what I am loving on in the meantime..........
Not sure, but I'm thinking she is worth every penny! Cheers to Raleigh for being the MVD! (most valuable doggie........really and truly! )
Have a great day every one and be content in the things that matter to you most!
-B-
My original plan when I started this venture of being a full time nest fluffer was to get the kids back to school and then start or finish a TON of projects that I am super anxious to blog about over the next 9 months. Unfortunately, I am a little hard headed and I booked my schedule solid with work committments. After a 3 week run on trying to do it all again, (I'm very stubborn and don't seem to ever learn) I cut back on my work stuff and am now looking forward to a year of a little bit of work and a lot of fun loving my kids and fluffing my nest.
One venture that I am thrilled about it going to work with a friend of mine from back in the high school days who is an amazing Interior Designer as her shopkeeper/aspiring assistant designer. She has graciously agreed to teach me everything she knows and pay me a small fee to have the luxury of doing so (not sure how I swung that deal : ) ) I am so incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to learn from (in my eyes) one of the best I've seen in interior design and all things antique, vintage, muted, and neutral. I cannot wait to work with her starting in October, and it is truly a dream come true. I'm committing my earnings from any work I do with her to going towards my very own design adventures at home. So, that will be a big treat to get to have some fun money to play with for nest fluffing.
The projects I have going on right now have been put on a temporary hold due to some serious doggie expenses that caught us by suprise this month. In addition to the going back to school budget blowout, our sweet Golden Retriever, Raleigh dog broke her shoulder/humerus and had to have a serious surgery with a hefty price tag. We have already paid a lot and will be paying even more for that for the next month or so and so I'm literally spent before I walk out the door. Her rehabilitation is also going to take mucho time and mucho effort, so my random ventures to Home Goods, and Goodwills all over the metroplex will have to be on hold for a bit. I have still found time to do some inspiration shopping and I've got a hefty list of wants for whenever my budget allows it again. With her injury though it has allowed for me to be more still and content with the loves of my life rather than things, and I think a little reminder of that from time to time does a body good.
In the meantime, here are some things I am dreaming about right now.........
Until then, this is what I am loving on in the meantime..........
Have a great day every one and be content in the things that matter to you most!
-B-
Thursday, June 16, 2011
-B- Faithful!
I'm feeling much better after having my little public blog meltdown the other day. Things have taken place around here to shift my focus right back to loving my kids like crazy. In fact, for the last 2 days, I can't seem to get enough of them.
We had a tragedy happen to a family of one of my Daughter's friends this week. My daughter is 5 and one of her classmates younger siblings (3) passed away on Tuesday from complications of a tonsillectomy. I never even knew there could be life threatening complications from this type of surgery. He was recovering at home several days after the surgery and suddenly didn't feel well. He got sick and by the time 911 had been called and arrived, he was gone. No one saw it coming, it didn't make sense, and they are still working to find out what really happened.
His Mother had been worried about him for a few days because he wasn't recovering as well as his Brother, but the Doctor wasn't concerned with his symptoms. The recovery for a tonsillectomy is rough anyway and differs from kid to kid, so she trusted that her Doctor knew best and tried her best to comfort her child. I hate that it ended the way that it did.
Like I said, it just doesn't make sense. It's times like this that people in general are tempted to question God's role in all this. Why would God take the life of a vibrant, healthy, 3 year old boy that was part of a lovely family including amazing parents? Why would he be ok with that faithful family having to suffer a loss such as this?
It's a hard question to answer. I by no means am a bible scholar therefore I'm unable to pull out my good book and point you to the scripture that says why its ok. I am however, extremely faithful through experiencing painful things myself that God only makes us experience pain such as this in order to grow us as Christians and to bless something or someone through the experience, and the blessings usually occur much later when you've just about given up on making sense of it all.
A dear friend of mine sent me a quote yesterday from a Christian question answer website (www.gotquestions.org) that she references on a regular basis. I like the answer for this particular situation........
This gives me comfort that while today this tragedy doesn't make sense......it was always in God's plan for Trevor. Good will come from this. Trevor is an angel in heaven looking down and will be thrilled to see the fruits that arise from this tragedy work to do good in the future and bless those that he touched while on this Earth.
His memory is already touching those around him. I've made several new friends in the past few days just working together with a community of Mom's that want to help this sweet family. It has given us a reason to bond on a level that would have taken much more time without something to bring us together like this. I needed to explain to my Daughter and Sons what had happened because we know these kids and we see them. They won't understand what happened and I was afraid they would hear it from some other child or would notice and relentlessly ask me in a moment where discussing it wasn't appropriate. So, we talked about it. My boys had tons and tons of questions about death and the surgery and why his body is still here if he has been taken to heaven. It doesn't make sense to them either. However, when we were done, my Brooks said that he wanted to die too. I was super concerned and asked him why. He said that he wanted to be an angel up in heaven with Trevor. He knows that Heaven is the best place ever and he wants to be an Angel up there as soon as possible.
I tried to explain to him that God will take each of us when it is our time. It was Trevor's time on Tuesday, and Brooks will get to join him whenever God sees fit. I pray that is a long long time away, but if not, I am sure that just like this family, my faith will bring me though it.
I pray for this sweet family tonight that they find peace in the fact that Trevor is with his God and that he is smiling bigger and is happier than he has ever been here on this Earth. His Mommy and Daddy will meet him again someday when it is their time and they will live forever together in Heaven.
I have faith in that for sure!
-B-
We had a tragedy happen to a family of one of my Daughter's friends this week. My daughter is 5 and one of her classmates younger siblings (3) passed away on Tuesday from complications of a tonsillectomy. I never even knew there could be life threatening complications from this type of surgery. He was recovering at home several days after the surgery and suddenly didn't feel well. He got sick and by the time 911 had been called and arrived, he was gone. No one saw it coming, it didn't make sense, and they are still working to find out what really happened.
His Mother had been worried about him for a few days because he wasn't recovering as well as his Brother, but the Doctor wasn't concerned with his symptoms. The recovery for a tonsillectomy is rough anyway and differs from kid to kid, so she trusted that her Doctor knew best and tried her best to comfort her child. I hate that it ended the way that it did.
Like I said, it just doesn't make sense. It's times like this that people in general are tempted to question God's role in all this. Why would God take the life of a vibrant, healthy, 3 year old boy that was part of a lovely family including amazing parents? Why would he be ok with that faithful family having to suffer a loss such as this?
It's a hard question to answer. I by no means am a bible scholar therefore I'm unable to pull out my good book and point you to the scripture that says why its ok. I am however, extremely faithful through experiencing painful things myself that God only makes us experience pain such as this in order to grow us as Christians and to bless something or someone through the experience, and the blessings usually occur much later when you've just about given up on making sense of it all.
A dear friend of mine sent me a quote yesterday from a Christian question answer website (www.gotquestions.org) that she references on a regular basis. I like the answer for this particular situation........
In the garden of Eden, God spoke to Adam and communicated in clear and direct ways, not in abstract concepts. God speaks to us today in the same way. In some ways, this is the most important meaning to be found in any tragedy. Tragic events demonstrate much of their meaning in the way we react to them. C.S. Lewis said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” This does not mean that God causes tragedy, but that He uses our reaction to tragedy to speak to us. Tragic events remind us not only that we live in an imperfect and fallen world, but that there is a God who loves us and wants something better for us than the world has to offer.
This gives me comfort that while today this tragedy doesn't make sense......it was always in God's plan for Trevor. Good will come from this. Trevor is an angel in heaven looking down and will be thrilled to see the fruits that arise from this tragedy work to do good in the future and bless those that he touched while on this Earth.
His memory is already touching those around him. I've made several new friends in the past few days just working together with a community of Mom's that want to help this sweet family. It has given us a reason to bond on a level that would have taken much more time without something to bring us together like this. I needed to explain to my Daughter and Sons what had happened because we know these kids and we see them. They won't understand what happened and I was afraid they would hear it from some other child or would notice and relentlessly ask me in a moment where discussing it wasn't appropriate. So, we talked about it. My boys had tons and tons of questions about death and the surgery and why his body is still here if he has been taken to heaven. It doesn't make sense to them either. However, when we were done, my Brooks said that he wanted to die too. I was super concerned and asked him why. He said that he wanted to be an angel up in heaven with Trevor. He knows that Heaven is the best place ever and he wants to be an Angel up there as soon as possible.
I tried to explain to him that God will take each of us when it is our time. It was Trevor's time on Tuesday, and Brooks will get to join him whenever God sees fit. I pray that is a long long time away, but if not, I am sure that just like this family, my faith will bring me though it.
I pray for this sweet family tonight that they find peace in the fact that Trevor is with his God and that he is smiling bigger and is happier than he has ever been here on this Earth. His Mommy and Daddy will meet him again someday when it is their time and they will live forever together in Heaven.
I have faith in that for sure!
-B-
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
-B- eing a Bit Negative Today!
OK, so I'm into week 6ish of giving up my job to stay at home full time and I have to admit, I'm getting a little squirmy. I never thought of myself as a busy body before kids, but I guess taking care of three little guys so close in age has made me be in fast forward for so long, that I forgot how to slow down.
I thought when I quit working that I would be doing projects every day around the house and drinking coffee and reading magazines on the back porch just soaking up the inspiration for lots of home renovation type stuff.
I thought I'd go running every morning before the kids and Husband woke up and then take a shower without being interrupted and get some chores done early in the morning.
I thought we would go to the pool a lot and I'd work on my tan while doing swim lessons with the kids. I'd see tons of friends at the pool and we would enjoy the long Summer days catching up on old times and watching the next generation of kids become friends.
I thought we would be at the lake almost every weekend enjoying the boat and the relaxing atmosphere with my Parents. Watching the kids enjoy nature and soak up the sun.
I thought I'd clean a room in my house each day so that I could look back at the end of the week and know that each room had been somewhat clean at some point in the week. I'd rest easy that my family wasn't living in filth and that we wouldn't ever have to waste a day cleaning house.
REALITY CHECK!
I'm entertaining kids from sun up to sun down and by the time the sun does go down, I'm exhausted so much so that the next morning my 7am wake up call seems way to early for productivity. So, I lay in bed being smothered and pulled on by my 5 year old daughter that just can't seem to sleep in her own bed despite the multiple bribes that I have laid out there for her at any given time. I roll out of bed in time to get the kids off to Summer camp only to find out that they have the chicken pox and have to return home for the week. I swallow the $250 loss on a week of camp and start rubbing calamine lotion on all of their spots with much opposition from them including running from me, crying hysterically, and moving at just the right moment that the calamine lotion splashes all over the bathroom and towels adding one extra room cleaning to my day and another load of laundry to be cleaned.
We stay home to eat for most meals in efforts to not spend $60 plus a day which involves make a mess clean up a mess at least 3 to 4 times a day. In between meals, we are plowing Popsicles faster than I can buy them to beat the heat outside and just because we are working hard on rotting our little teeth out as soon as possible so that the dental bill can be just a little bit higher than it is already. Oh and by the way, the chicken pox that I spoke about......."Yes" we have already been vaccinated against these and "No" somehow that didn't do the trick so we are spending another $50 on co-pays and $50 on medication just to sooth the itching for the next 10 days that it could stay in our system. Just about the time the boys get rid of it, I will be watching my daughter closely to see if she has caught it as well. If so, it will be another 15 days of quarantining her so that we don't pass it around to all of the lovely friends of ours.
We haven't made it to the lake yet and really I have no idea when we will. Our weekends are booked for the foreseeable future with other obligations that I seem to always get myself roped into. It will be the end of July before my babies get to go out on the boat and this just breaks my heart. We are however, going to the beach as a family for a vacation in the near future, so hopefully that will lift my spirits on this subject.
I have hired a house cleaner to come and she started coming weekly lately. A weekly house cleaner seems so excessive to me when I'm not even working, but the reality is, we are a mess. I'm sitting here on a Wednesday before the Thursday that she comes and my table has goop on it despite my efforts to constantly wipe all of these surfaces down. My laptop is covered in dust. My kids are having their umpteenth slumber party in the living room this week which involves lots of blankets that I fold and put away, fold and put away, fold and put away seems like 10 times a day. The dog has decided that the coffee table is a good place to lay (weird), and ironically the kids have decided that the coffee table is a good place to eat ( no interruption of TV time), so I'm constantly wiping this down with Lysol kitchen cleaner to try and beat the germs at their own game.
The bathrooms are fairly clean until my kids decided that a can of blue shaving cream looked like a fun thing to spray all of the bathroom just for kicks and giggles. In efforts to clean it up they used EVERY towel in the cabinet and even a little of the bath rug as well. Too bad it didn't really work at cleaning and now we've added another heavy load of laundry to the every growing pile. Not to mention the fact that while they were spraying their shaving cream around the room, they apparently brushed their teeth several times because the new tube of toothpaste that I bought for the pickiest child on earth who will only use one kind of toothpaste is now officially empty and needs to be replaced.
I looked at the budget last night and we are ridiculously overspending which is hard to swallow because I'm using all my best Mommy skills every day to figure out how and what we can do things in order to minimize the random spending. I want ice cream, a snow cone, Chick Fil-A, lunch at the pool after we just finished lunch at home, more ice cream from the ice cream man at $2 a treat. It amazes me how starving my kids get anytime that we have just walked out of the house and started on our daily adventure. Not to mention the fact that every child in the neighborhood is over at our house on a daily basis drinking drinks out of my garage fridge and wanting more Sun chips and cakes and cookies and "stuff" to eat. I'm having a hard time keeping up. I feel like I need to have a job just to keep the kids fed.
My tan is non existent and I've spent my days instead cleaning in preparation for the house cleaner to come and clean (?!?!?!?!?). Putting our house back together after the tornado I refer to as my three children has swept through the house for the millionth time. I try to stay ahead of the clutter and mess, but it seems that for each one I get cleaned up to my satisfaction there is another 2 or 3 that were made while I was doing so. In efforts to teach the kids responsibility, I start a chore list and encourage them to help out in order to earn money. Instead, I end up being the nag of the century begging them to pick up their stuff all day long or else and the money that they earn gets added to the pot of the money that mysteriously showed up when they stole from their little friend and went and bought a third snake with. Who needs 1 snake let alone 3? Apparently, my kids do and they will stop at nothing to obtain it. So we are thieves now. We call the friend to apologize and I pay the poor kid back vowing to make my boys work off every penny and more which takes tons of supervision and diligence on my part which I am feeling a little low on at the moment.
So, now because they stole from their friend they are grounded all week and when they are grounded what it really means is that I am grounded. It just so happens that we are all grounded right when my Husband decides its time to take a business trip and leave me with the kids stranded in this dirty house with an overpaid house cleaner and two chicken pox infested rowdy thieves and a clingy Daughter. We spend the week trying to survive.
This leads up to now. Feeling a little bit negative today, but now that I've gotten it all out, I feel better.
Cheers to keeping it real!
-B-
I thought when I quit working that I would be doing projects every day around the house and drinking coffee and reading magazines on the back porch just soaking up the inspiration for lots of home renovation type stuff.
I thought I'd go running every morning before the kids and Husband woke up and then take a shower without being interrupted and get some chores done early in the morning.
I thought we would go to the pool a lot and I'd work on my tan while doing swim lessons with the kids. I'd see tons of friends at the pool and we would enjoy the long Summer days catching up on old times and watching the next generation of kids become friends.
I thought we would be at the lake almost every weekend enjoying the boat and the relaxing atmosphere with my Parents. Watching the kids enjoy nature and soak up the sun.
I thought I'd clean a room in my house each day so that I could look back at the end of the week and know that each room had been somewhat clean at some point in the week. I'd rest easy that my family wasn't living in filth and that we wouldn't ever have to waste a day cleaning house.
REALITY CHECK!
I'm entertaining kids from sun up to sun down and by the time the sun does go down, I'm exhausted so much so that the next morning my 7am wake up call seems way to early for productivity. So, I lay in bed being smothered and pulled on by my 5 year old daughter that just can't seem to sleep in her own bed despite the multiple bribes that I have laid out there for her at any given time. I roll out of bed in time to get the kids off to Summer camp only to find out that they have the chicken pox and have to return home for the week. I swallow the $250 loss on a week of camp and start rubbing calamine lotion on all of their spots with much opposition from them including running from me, crying hysterically, and moving at just the right moment that the calamine lotion splashes all over the bathroom and towels adding one extra room cleaning to my day and another load of laundry to be cleaned.
We stay home to eat for most meals in efforts to not spend $60 plus a day which involves make a mess clean up a mess at least 3 to 4 times a day. In between meals, we are plowing Popsicles faster than I can buy them to beat the heat outside and just because we are working hard on rotting our little teeth out as soon as possible so that the dental bill can be just a little bit higher than it is already. Oh and by the way, the chicken pox that I spoke about......."Yes" we have already been vaccinated against these and "No" somehow that didn't do the trick so we are spending another $50 on co-pays and $50 on medication just to sooth the itching for the next 10 days that it could stay in our system. Just about the time the boys get rid of it, I will be watching my daughter closely to see if she has caught it as well. If so, it will be another 15 days of quarantining her so that we don't pass it around to all of the lovely friends of ours.
We haven't made it to the lake yet and really I have no idea when we will. Our weekends are booked for the foreseeable future with other obligations that I seem to always get myself roped into. It will be the end of July before my babies get to go out on the boat and this just breaks my heart. We are however, going to the beach as a family for a vacation in the near future, so hopefully that will lift my spirits on this subject.
I have hired a house cleaner to come and she started coming weekly lately. A weekly house cleaner seems so excessive to me when I'm not even working, but the reality is, we are a mess. I'm sitting here on a Wednesday before the Thursday that she comes and my table has goop on it despite my efforts to constantly wipe all of these surfaces down. My laptop is covered in dust. My kids are having their umpteenth slumber party in the living room this week which involves lots of blankets that I fold and put away, fold and put away, fold and put away seems like 10 times a day. The dog has decided that the coffee table is a good place to lay (weird), and ironically the kids have decided that the coffee table is a good place to eat ( no interruption of TV time), so I'm constantly wiping this down with Lysol kitchen cleaner to try and beat the germs at their own game.
The bathrooms are fairly clean until my kids decided that a can of blue shaving cream looked like a fun thing to spray all of the bathroom just for kicks and giggles. In efforts to clean it up they used EVERY towel in the cabinet and even a little of the bath rug as well. Too bad it didn't really work at cleaning and now we've added another heavy load of laundry to the every growing pile. Not to mention the fact that while they were spraying their shaving cream around the room, they apparently brushed their teeth several times because the new tube of toothpaste that I bought for the pickiest child on earth who will only use one kind of toothpaste is now officially empty and needs to be replaced.
I looked at the budget last night and we are ridiculously overspending which is hard to swallow because I'm using all my best Mommy skills every day to figure out how and what we can do things in order to minimize the random spending. I want ice cream, a snow cone, Chick Fil-A, lunch at the pool after we just finished lunch at home, more ice cream from the ice cream man at $2 a treat. It amazes me how starving my kids get anytime that we have just walked out of the house and started on our daily adventure. Not to mention the fact that every child in the neighborhood is over at our house on a daily basis drinking drinks out of my garage fridge and wanting more Sun chips and cakes and cookies and "stuff" to eat. I'm having a hard time keeping up. I feel like I need to have a job just to keep the kids fed.
My tan is non existent and I've spent my days instead cleaning in preparation for the house cleaner to come and clean (?!?!?!?!?). Putting our house back together after the tornado I refer to as my three children has swept through the house for the millionth time. I try to stay ahead of the clutter and mess, but it seems that for each one I get cleaned up to my satisfaction there is another 2 or 3 that were made while I was doing so. In efforts to teach the kids responsibility, I start a chore list and encourage them to help out in order to earn money. Instead, I end up being the nag of the century begging them to pick up their stuff all day long or else and the money that they earn gets added to the pot of the money that mysteriously showed up when they stole from their little friend and went and bought a third snake with. Who needs 1 snake let alone 3? Apparently, my kids do and they will stop at nothing to obtain it. So we are thieves now. We call the friend to apologize and I pay the poor kid back vowing to make my boys work off every penny and more which takes tons of supervision and diligence on my part which I am feeling a little low on at the moment.
So, now because they stole from their friend they are grounded all week and when they are grounded what it really means is that I am grounded. It just so happens that we are all grounded right when my Husband decides its time to take a business trip and leave me with the kids stranded in this dirty house with an overpaid house cleaner and two chicken pox infested rowdy thieves and a clingy Daughter. We spend the week trying to survive.
This leads up to now. Feeling a little bit negative today, but now that I've gotten it all out, I feel better.
Cheers to keeping it real!
-B-
Sunday, June 5, 2011
-B- In the Moment!
I'm not sure exactly why yet, but I feel a very strong pull on a daily basis to reach out to other Women and share my stories...my journey. I don't necessarily think that I am special for any reason, but I do think that I am willing to talk about issues that may make some others uncomfortable, but are issues that most Moms/Women can relate to. In my 30's I'm really feeling comfortable in my own skin and I want other Women to embrace themselves as well. I'm not concerned with the latest greatest, or the "only" way to do things. I like figuring out what is right for me and my family and acting on that and that alone as my guide.
A friend and I were talking the other day about my new Nephew and how easy and tragic it is when new Mom's get all caught up in expectations and all the hoop-la and gadgets and rules and "stuff" that is out there. We both wished that someone had written a book, (maybe I will) about the top 100 myths or things that we wish someone had told us when we first had kids. Like........take back all the 0-3 month clothes you get at your shower and exchange them for later sizes. Once we figure out about day 3 of life that babies poop all the way up their backs on a daily basis, you would be just as happy with a stack of white onesies and a bottle of bleach instead of all the adorable clothes that your child will be lucky to wear once and that will significantly lose their resale value when they have a large poop stain up the back. So, just use your white onesies, bleach them, and save those cute outfits for special occasions or a few months later when they might actually stay somewhat clean.
I think so many young Mother's get so caught up in all the craziness surrounding the new baby process that they don't get to experience those first moments with intention and don't get to just "be" in the moment with their new little bundle of love. I know I felt this pressure in a huge way when I was pregnant with my twins.
I still feel this pressure today in some capacity. I ignore this noise in my head a lot better now then I used to, but it is still more of an intentional choice to ignore it than it is a natural one. Rather than judging my Parenting skills on whether or not I'm following the crowd, or signed up for all the right Summer activities, or I have all the money I need to just buy my kids whatever they want on a whim just so I can prove to myself that they don't ever and won't ever do without anything, I try to judge myself as a Parent on the happiness that my kids exude.
For years I would fight with my Daughter on a daily basis over the shorts, the shirt that was cutest, the sandals that matched perfectly, the big bow. We could easily fill up an hour getting her dressed and ready for something. I love fashion and I love kids clothes, so dressing her was like an expression of who I am and I took it very seriously. One day, my Mom was watching my kids for a few days and she told me that she noticed that my kids cry at the mere sight of a spot on their shirt. It stressed them out to no end to be dirty.
This really bothered me. I realized when she told me that I'm putting way too many expectation on all my kids to be so put together every time they walked out the door. I was teaching them that appearance was super important and that dirt on their shirt was worth crying over. This was never my intention, but this was the message I was sending. I vowed that very day to make a change.
Yes, to the outside world, I think I somehow associated the cuteness of my kids and the put-togetherness of their clothes and hair to my ability to Parent them and to pull it all off. I loved that people would look at my young kids and say "How DO you DO it?" But today, 4 to 5 years later, I judge myself on a much different scale.
Today, I judge myself as a Mother on my child's ability to speak their own mind and make their own decisions. I care more about my Daughter's level of confidence than I do about her outfit. Today, I love that she wants to wear "MOM shorts (as she calls them) and a tank top EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I love that she doesn't care whether it matches or doesn't but she Rocks it either way. I don't know that I had this confidence as a child, (or today for that fact) and I love that she feels like she can take the world by storm if she wants and IN whatever she wants. She is perfectly perfect in her personality and the fact that she is gorgeous as well is a nice afterthought. I know that -P- has an opinion and confidence. I think teaching a 5 year old girl that is a much bigger accomplishment than teaching her how to dress.
I want my boys to have sweet spirits. I want them to be kind to others. I'm glad that they love sports, but mostly I just want them to feel supported in whatever they choose to do. We are currently in a position to explain to lots of inquiring friends why we chose not to let the boys do the All Star team for baseball this year. I get anxious when anyone asks because I suddenly revert to wanting their approval. But the answer is .....we didn't do All Stars because I know how much my boys love the Summer and swimming every day and June bug hunting, and friends. I don't want their 6 year old Summer spent driving to and from baseball practice and games in 45 minutes away. I want them to be kids while they can be kids. I want them to have downtime. They are 6. I'm pretty sure when I'm being truthful with myself and ignoring the expectations being set by others around me, that their 6 year old Summer baseball career doesn't define their life or ability to go forward in the future. We will play All Stars when it is good for us. Dustin and I both feel strongly that it is not where our kids need to be this Summer. I do, however, understand why it is so compelling and exciting for other Parents of young boys. Its just not right for our boys yet, and I'm ok with that.
Anyway, as I was saying at the beginning of this post. I feel convicted to share my journey, trials, successes, questions, and answers with anyone who has a child and is maybe needing some guidance or at least just something to match their experience up to. If I could give you some free advice, (btw, my advice is always worth what it cost......which is $0) it would be to slow down, sleep in, don't shower till noon, make mud pies, ride bikes barefoot, rock in the rocking chair while the kids slip and slide. Focus on spending time with them enjoying the simpler things in life. They will learn far more valuable life lessons doing this than looking perfect, running around, spending the Summer in a hot car, or playing organized sports. Make a point to "slow your roll" and relax. Its so worth it!
Always,
-B-
A friend and I were talking the other day about my new Nephew and how easy and tragic it is when new Mom's get all caught up in expectations and all the hoop-la and gadgets and rules and "stuff" that is out there. We both wished that someone had written a book, (maybe I will) about the top 100 myths or things that we wish someone had told us when we first had kids. Like........take back all the 0-3 month clothes you get at your shower and exchange them for later sizes. Once we figure out about day 3 of life that babies poop all the way up their backs on a daily basis, you would be just as happy with a stack of white onesies and a bottle of bleach instead of all the adorable clothes that your child will be lucky to wear once and that will significantly lose their resale value when they have a large poop stain up the back. So, just use your white onesies, bleach them, and save those cute outfits for special occasions or a few months later when they might actually stay somewhat clean.
I think so many young Mother's get so caught up in all the craziness surrounding the new baby process that they don't get to experience those first moments with intention and don't get to just "be" in the moment with their new little bundle of love. I know I felt this pressure in a huge way when I was pregnant with my twins.
I still feel this pressure today in some capacity. I ignore this noise in my head a lot better now then I used to, but it is still more of an intentional choice to ignore it than it is a natural one. Rather than judging my Parenting skills on whether or not I'm following the crowd, or signed up for all the right Summer activities, or I have all the money I need to just buy my kids whatever they want on a whim just so I can prove to myself that they don't ever and won't ever do without anything, I try to judge myself as a Parent on the happiness that my kids exude.
For years I would fight with my Daughter on a daily basis over the shorts, the shirt that was cutest, the sandals that matched perfectly, the big bow. We could easily fill up an hour getting her dressed and ready for something. I love fashion and I love kids clothes, so dressing her was like an expression of who I am and I took it very seriously. One day, my Mom was watching my kids for a few days and she told me that she noticed that my kids cry at the mere sight of a spot on their shirt. It stressed them out to no end to be dirty.
This really bothered me. I realized when she told me that I'm putting way too many expectation on all my kids to be so put together every time they walked out the door. I was teaching them that appearance was super important and that dirt on their shirt was worth crying over. This was never my intention, but this was the message I was sending. I vowed that very day to make a change.
Yes, to the outside world, I think I somehow associated the cuteness of my kids and the put-togetherness of their clothes and hair to my ability to Parent them and to pull it all off. I loved that people would look at my young kids and say "How DO you DO it?" But today, 4 to 5 years later, I judge myself on a much different scale.
Today, I judge myself as a Mother on my child's ability to speak their own mind and make their own decisions. I care more about my Daughter's level of confidence than I do about her outfit. Today, I love that she wants to wear "MOM shorts (as she calls them) and a tank top EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I love that she doesn't care whether it matches or doesn't but she Rocks it either way. I don't know that I had this confidence as a child, (or today for that fact) and I love that she feels like she can take the world by storm if she wants and IN whatever she wants. She is perfectly perfect in her personality and the fact that she is gorgeous as well is a nice afterthought. I know that -P- has an opinion and confidence. I think teaching a 5 year old girl that is a much bigger accomplishment than teaching her how to dress.
I want my boys to have sweet spirits. I want them to be kind to others. I'm glad that they love sports, but mostly I just want them to feel supported in whatever they choose to do. We are currently in a position to explain to lots of inquiring friends why we chose not to let the boys do the All Star team for baseball this year. I get anxious when anyone asks because I suddenly revert to wanting their approval. But the answer is .....we didn't do All Stars because I know how much my boys love the Summer and swimming every day and June bug hunting, and friends. I don't want their 6 year old Summer spent driving to and from baseball practice and games in 45 minutes away. I want them to be kids while they can be kids. I want them to have downtime. They are 6. I'm pretty sure when I'm being truthful with myself and ignoring the expectations being set by others around me, that their 6 year old Summer baseball career doesn't define their life or ability to go forward in the future. We will play All Stars when it is good for us. Dustin and I both feel strongly that it is not where our kids need to be this Summer. I do, however, understand why it is so compelling and exciting for other Parents of young boys. Its just not right for our boys yet, and I'm ok with that.
Anyway, as I was saying at the beginning of this post. I feel convicted to share my journey, trials, successes, questions, and answers with anyone who has a child and is maybe needing some guidance or at least just something to match their experience up to. If I could give you some free advice, (btw, my advice is always worth what it cost......which is $0) it would be to slow down, sleep in, don't shower till noon, make mud pies, ride bikes barefoot, rock in the rocking chair while the kids slip and slide. Focus on spending time with them enjoying the simpler things in life. They will learn far more valuable life lessons doing this than looking perfect, running around, spending the Summer in a hot car, or playing organized sports. Make a point to "slow your roll" and relax. Its so worth it!
Always,
-B-
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