I'm not sure exactly why yet, but I feel a very strong pull on a daily basis to reach out to other Women and share my stories...my journey. I don't necessarily think that I am special for any reason, but I do think that I am willing to talk about issues that may make some others uncomfortable, but are issues that most Moms/Women can relate to. In my 30's I'm really feeling comfortable in my own skin and I want other Women to embrace themselves as well. I'm not concerned with the latest greatest, or the "only" way to do things. I like figuring out what is right for me and my family and acting on that and that alone as my guide.
A friend and I were talking the other day about my new Nephew and how easy and tragic it is when new Mom's get all caught up in expectations and all the hoop-la and gadgets and rules and "stuff" that is out there. We both wished that someone had written a book, (maybe I will) about the top 100 myths or things that we wish someone had told us when we first had kids. Like........take back all the 0-3 month clothes you get at your shower and exchange them for later sizes. Once we figure out about day 3 of life that babies poop all the way up their backs on a daily basis, you would be just as happy with a stack of white onesies and a bottle of bleach instead of all the adorable clothes that your child will be lucky to wear once and that will significantly lose their resale value when they have a large poop stain up the back. So, just use your white onesies, bleach them, and save those cute outfits for special occasions or a few months later when they might actually stay somewhat clean.
I think so many young Mother's get so caught up in all the craziness surrounding the new baby process that they don't get to experience those first moments with intention and don't get to just "be" in the moment with their new little bundle of love. I know I felt this pressure in a huge way when I was pregnant with my twins.
I still feel this pressure today in some capacity. I ignore this noise in my head a lot better now then I used to, but it is still more of an intentional choice to ignore it than it is a natural one. Rather than judging my Parenting skills on whether or not I'm following the crowd, or signed up for all the right Summer activities, or I have all the money I need to just buy my kids whatever they want on a whim just so I can prove to myself that they don't ever and won't ever do without anything, I try to judge myself as a Parent on the happiness that my kids exude.
For years I would fight with my Daughter on a daily basis over the shorts, the shirt that was cutest, the sandals that matched perfectly, the big bow. We could easily fill up an hour getting her dressed and ready for something. I love fashion and I love kids clothes, so dressing her was like an expression of who I am and I took it very seriously. One day, my Mom was watching my kids for a few days and she told me that she noticed that my kids cry at the mere sight of a spot on their shirt. It stressed them out to no end to be dirty.
This really bothered me. I realized when she told me that I'm putting way too many expectation on all my kids to be so put together every time they walked out the door. I was teaching them that appearance was super important and that dirt on their shirt was worth crying over. This was never my intention, but this was the message I was sending. I vowed that very day to make a change.
Yes, to the outside world, I think I somehow associated the cuteness of my kids and the put-togetherness of their clothes and hair to my ability to Parent them and to pull it all off. I loved that people would look at my young kids and say "How DO you DO it?" But today, 4 to 5 years later, I judge myself on a much different scale.
Today, I judge myself as a Mother on my child's ability to speak their own mind and make their own decisions. I care more about my Daughter's level of confidence than I do about her outfit. Today, I love that she wants to wear "MOM shorts (as she calls them) and a tank top EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I love that she doesn't care whether it matches or doesn't but she Rocks it either way. I don't know that I had this confidence as a child, (or today for that fact) and I love that she feels like she can take the world by storm if she wants and IN whatever she wants. She is perfectly perfect in her personality and the fact that she is gorgeous as well is a nice afterthought. I know that -P- has an opinion and confidence. I think teaching a 5 year old girl that is a much bigger accomplishment than teaching her how to dress.
I want my boys to have sweet spirits. I want them to be kind to others. I'm glad that they love sports, but mostly I just want them to feel supported in whatever they choose to do. We are currently in a position to explain to lots of inquiring friends why we chose not to let the boys do the All Star team for baseball this year. I get anxious when anyone asks because I suddenly revert to wanting their approval. But the answer is .....we didn't do All Stars because I know how much my boys love the Summer and swimming every day and June bug hunting, and friends. I don't want their 6 year old Summer spent driving to and from baseball practice and games in 45 minutes away. I want them to be kids while they can be kids. I want them to have downtime. They are 6. I'm pretty sure when I'm being truthful with myself and ignoring the expectations being set by others around me, that their 6 year old Summer baseball career doesn't define their life or ability to go forward in the future. We will play All Stars when it is good for us. Dustin and I both feel strongly that it is not where our kids need to be this Summer. I do, however, understand why it is so compelling and exciting for other Parents of young boys. Its just not right for our boys yet, and I'm ok with that.
Anyway, as I was saying at the beginning of this post. I feel convicted to share my journey, trials, successes, questions, and answers with anyone who has a child and is maybe needing some guidance or at least just something to match their experience up to. If I could give you some free advice, (btw, my advice is always worth what it cost......which is $0) it would be to slow down, sleep in, don't shower till noon, make mud pies, ride bikes barefoot, rock in the rocking chair while the kids slip and slide. Focus on spending time with them enjoying the simpler things in life. They will learn far more valuable life lessons doing this than looking perfect, running around, spending the Summer in a hot car, or playing organized sports. Make a point to "slow your roll" and relax. Its so worth it!
Always,
-B-
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