Yesterday I ran the Cowtown 10K!!!!!!
I ran the whole thing. It was life changing! Let me tell you why.......
I'm not writing this post to brag on myself, not at all, because one thing I know for sure is that I did not run that race alone yesterday. My Sister, Micah, was with me......yes.......and she certainly helped me a lot, but there was someone else that I depended on yesterday. Fully, for probably the first time in my life.
For years I have lived behind a mask of fear. I'm an extreme perfectionist and it shows itself in my life in the way of....."If I'm not fairly certain that I will be able to do something perfectly, then I'll just ignore it or not do it at all!" Behind this is a deep seated fear of not being good enough. I've lived with it my whole life and to be honest it has held me back in so many ways and even caused me to make really bad decisions from time to time that have cost me in big ways. Because of this fear I've been ashamed of myself, mad at myself, disappointed in myself, let down by myself, and felt really crummy about who I was from the inside out.
This year, when the New Year came around I put a lot of thought into who I wanted to be this year. My Husband has been an amazing supporter of mine in that he has encouraged me to stop working this year to kind of take a breather, focus on our family, and just do what I wanted to do. I'm about 9 months into this journey and I'm just now starting to give myself a break and allowing myself to be happy in this moment and enjoy it. It could go away anytime for any number of reasons. Life has a way of working out like that, and I am not unaware of that possiblity. So, after cleaning out all our closets multiple times, redoing bedrooms, starting a Bible Study for Women here in my town, volunteering countless hours at the kids school, starting a business venture that allows me to earn some supplemental income / but not work so much (magical I know), I was finally ready to get down to business and face my fear........
I signed myself up for the Cowtown 10K this year because I ran the 5K last year and it was really hard for me. However, I didn't train like I should have last year because again, I was afraid of not being perfect at it and so I just avoided the training so that I didn't have to deal with the fear. I had signed up with some friends of mine, so when the day came, I was accountable. I did show up and I did run it and it was good. I liked that day. I wanted to do it again.
After that day, I didn't run again for several months. I don't know why, but I just didn't. I spent a lot of time at the end of the year last year thinking of a friend of mine that I dearly love and her journey with giving all of her "I can't" strongholds to God. It had changed her so much in the past year. She had accomplished things that she had been dreaming of for years, just by doing that one thing. I wanted to do that too.
A few months ago, I made a committment to myself that I would run the 10K and that I would give my "I can't" to God. I was sick of being afraid, sick of letting fear drive my every move, sick of doubting myself. I signed up, paid my money, and started training.
I trained better than I ever have before, but to be perfectly honest, it was still pretty shotty in that I would take several day breaks because my back hurt, or Dustin was out of town, or the kids were sick or whatever reason I could think of. I did train better than I ever had before and I had worked myself up to running 5.5 miles in one session, however not without taking a minute here and a minute there to walk and catch my breath.
So, when the day came to run the Cowtown 10K, I was terrified. What had I gotten myself into? I couldn't sleep the night before, I tried to sleep through my alarm the next morning, I got sick to my stomach with anxiety before the race. Every bone in my body was convinced that I could't do it and that I was about to prove that to myself and prove it boldly. That would be a hard reality to face, and I didn't want to have to face it. But I felt deep inside that it was true.
I knew that I wanted to give this race to God and so I went anyway. I wanted to see exactly what he could do with me if I just truly handed it all over to him. I'm not sure I have ever done that before. By that I mean, TRULY said "God, I can't do this on my own and I don't even believe that I can do it with you......please God prove me wrong, God, show me I CAN! "
I started the race after saying that prayer......I was tired about half a mile into it. My tummy was upset from nerves. This wasn't good. I wanted to go home. My Sister made the bold proclamation that we would be running the whole thing and I kind of just laughed it off. I knew she could do that, but no way was I gonna be able to do it with her. I would be lucky to cross the finish line at all let alone having run the whole race. That wasn't even on my radar. I kept running........mile 1........mile 2.........mile 3........OUCH.........mile 4.......Ok, I hit a wall at mile 4. I was sick to my stomach, tired, and ready to stop. I prayed again....."God please show me I can!" I found more strength......mile 5.......mile 6. Now at mile 6 my body pretty much shut down on me. I am a fainter and I started to pass out. I could feel myself going down. I couldn't breath and I had gotten off on my breathing rhythm and it didn't matter at that point how close I was to the finish line and the people around me cheering, there was no adrenaline left, I was exhausted and I couldn't catch my breath. I walked 5 steps.......started running again.......walked 3 steps.......started running again. I could see the finish line but I didn't even have it in me to speed myself up to get there faster. I was just plain done.
Micah ran ahead to the finish, and at that point, I literally cried out in my head......"God I cannot do this alone, I need you to show me I can.....You are Big Enough, please take over my body and let me keep running until I get across that finish line. I cannot do it alone! " He did!
I crossed the finish line and immediately burst into tears. Not because I had finished the race like it may have seemed to those around me, but because I felt the presence of God finally taking away all of that fear that I have carried with me for years and years. He showed me that when I can't, HE WILL! I felt his spirit take over my body and show me what he could do with it. It was absolutely amazing and life changing! I have never felt like that in my whole life. I was not enough yesterday, but GOD WAS BIG ENOUGH for both of us.
The only thing I could compare that feeling to was the feeling I had the day I gave birth to my twins, but this was way harder. : )
Thank you God for your amazing grace and for not only believing in me when I don't believe in myself, but for taking me on a journey that broke me down enought to require me to give myself and all of my strongholds over to you to accomplish the goal. You showed me I CAN and I am grateful. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I am forever changed.
Amen
